Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
