I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
