it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
