Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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