My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
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The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
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The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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