Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
