Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
