If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
