fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
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Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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