Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
