my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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