I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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