and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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