Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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