cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
