I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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