Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
