So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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