He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
