That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You ruined the universe
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
