I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
