I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
