I just pynch a tree in the face
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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