oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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