this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He shit in the fireplace
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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