yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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