ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
someone owes me an orgasm
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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