Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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