well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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