i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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