My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
whose ass print is on the piano?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Randomize
