I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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