Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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