I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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