I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
