Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
