Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
