please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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