I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
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She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
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I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.