Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
