Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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