Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just googled if crying burns calories
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
