shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
MIDGETS
????
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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