Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
