i already hear my dad disowning me
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
