i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
