I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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