What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
