life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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