Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
