I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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