gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We need a shit load of segways right now
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
