he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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