More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
