I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
