I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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